o o o o USER GUIDE below, please read, cause it's important stuff
Congratulations on your new device
And thank you for downloading the user guide
Since nobody ever reeds it we will sing it to you
Please Note: Your privacy has been disconnected and you must
Read the full license policy and user agreement which supersedes anything contained herein
You agree to hold us harmless from all prosecution
And accept any blame and fines imposed by tyrannical governments
It’s all on your back, dig?
Please charge completely for seventy-two hours before first use
Do not flush this device down the toilet
Do not use this device as a suppository
Failure to follow these instructions voids all warranties
We may cancel your service at anytime
Your messages belong to us and the world
Do not submerge in water
Do not use while getting heavy or operating heavy machinery
Keep away from children and pets
Do not stare directly at the screen for more than twelve hours
[Chorus]
It tracks your life!
It OWNS your soul!
This is your PHONE!
NOW LOSE CONTROL!
IT’S A TRACKING DEVICE FROM HELL!
It’s tracking you right now
It’s listening to your conversations
Your data belongs to us
Your location belongs to us
The microphone belongs to us and may activate at any time
Your camera belongs to us and may also activate at any time
We reserve the right to update your user agreement
and block access to your soul without notice
This thing may give you brain cancer, rectal cancer, existential cancer, and probably turn your balls into raisins!
But don’t worry, we added 17 new emoji!
IT’S A PHONE!
IT MIGHT EXPLODE
IT Can burn down your home
IT may be THE END OF LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT
AND IT’S IN YOUR POCKET RIGHT NOW!
We are not responsible for the dark web reeding YOUR MESSAGES
- now with 47 new animated dancing cat GIFs
- automatically uploads your dreams to the cloud
- turns your photos into NFTs while you sleep
- adds 3 new subscription tiers every Tuesday
- your flashlight now mines cryptocurrency
- auto-replies to your ex with heart emojis
- tracks how many times you check your ex’s profile
- predicts your divorce date with 98 % accuracy and style
- your alarm now plays advertisement jingles
- comes with free anxiety (limit one per customer)
- battery lasts forever in dog years
- may spontaneously combust
- now with 12 new ways to waste your life
- deletes one childhood memory per update
- no refunds, no questions, no soul
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING US, WE APPRECIATE YOUR MONEY
Please read along with this Important disclaimer,
Phone may explode, may sterilize, may drain bank account, may summon demons, may vote in elections, may cause spontaneous combustion, may fall in love with your spouse, may delete your existence, no refunds, have a nice day!
You made the right choice, You’re important to us, We love you, we really mean it, honest